Bonding is the feeling of love and closeness you have for your baby. This can sometimes start in pregnancy.
Attachment is the relationship that you and your baby build over time. It begins in pregnancy and develops as your child grows.
Attachment happens through interactions with your baby in everyday moments.
Developing positive attachment
Babies are usually born ready to form an attachment with you. They have instinctive behaviours like crying that let you know that they have a need and keep you close.
During everyday moments like feeding and comforting your baby, they learn from you. They are learning about you from your touch, voice and smell. Through you, they are learning about the world and relationships.
Your baby will have a main attachment with you. They can also have several attachments with other caregivers. You can build a secure attachment in the early months by responding to your baby's needs. This is known as responsive parenting.
Responsive parenting
Responsive parenting means you are:
- responding to your baby in a caring and consistent way
- accepting their needs and signals
Developing your relationship with your baby - infant mental health
Responsive parenting in practice
Your baby will let you know in their own way what they need, such as being hungry, tired or lonely. It takes time to learn what your baby is trying to tell you.
For example, your baby might enjoy it when you sing to them, but turn away or rub their eyes when they feel tired.
These cues or signals mean they need a break. You can respond by talking to your baby. Tell them how you noticed their cue for tiredness and then support them to fall asleep.
Learning to understand your baby’s cues can help you and your baby settle into a routine over time.
Do
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spend lots of time with your baby in the early months
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comfort your baby when they need it
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smile and hold them close
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give plenty of cuddles
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make sure they’re safe, warm and fed
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respond when your baby smiles, coos or cries
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talk, tell stories and sing to your baby
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let your baby look at your face and watch you when you talk
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let your baby hear and see you around the home
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use any other languages you speak often
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massage your baby
Be consistent
Try to respond to your baby’s needs in a consistent way.
Respond in a similar, caring way each time your baby tries to communicate with you. Comfort them when they are unhappy or in pain.
This helps build a secure attachment between you and your baby. It helps your baby to feel safe. They learn that they are important and that they matter.
Benefits of responsive parenting
Responding to what your baby needs will not spoil them, but will:
- help your baby to build healthy brain connections
- build a secure attachment between you
- help them to feel safe
- teach them that they are important
Connecting and communicating with your baby - infant mental health
Playing with your baby
Playing with your baby helps to strengthen the attachment between you. It also helps them to learn and develop.
Newborn babies learn from their parents. They will soon respond to your touch and the tone of your voice.
The best way to play with your baby is to use your face and voice. Smile, talk, sing, touch and cuddle your baby. They will love to listen to you and watch you. It will help them to feel safe.
Try not to place your baby in front of a TV or another screen. They will learn a lot more from being with you.
How fathers, partners and non-birth parents can bond
Spending time with your baby in the early months is important in forming a secure attachment. Your baby will enjoy getting to know you.
They also enjoy getting to know the differences between you and the parent who gave birth to them. For example, how you sound, feel and smell.
Do
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try to spend as much quality time as possible with your baby
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reduce your screen time when you are with your baby
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do as many everyday activities as possible, such as bathing your baby
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have skin-to-skin contact with your baby - lie down with your baby on your chest, but do not fall asleep
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rock your baby to sleep
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read your baby a bedtime story
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take your baby for a walk
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comfort your baby
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keep them safe, warm and fed
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give them time to look at your face and watch you talk
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make eye contact
This helps your baby build an attachment. It makes them feel safe and important when they are with you.
Worries about bonding with your baby
You may have started bonding with your baby during pregnancy or the first time you saw them. But not all parents experience bonding the same way. Try not to worry, these feelings do not always come immediately.
Focus on:
- spending time with your baby
- getting to know what they like and dislike
- learning about their personality
- noticing the way they communicate with you
Spending time with your baby will help you develop the first steps of attachment. You will learn about their likes and dislikes, personality, and how they communicate.
If you are concerned about your bond with your baby, talk to your GP. They can offer advice and refer you to the right support service if needed.